When You Can’t Talk About It (Even to Yourself)

I sent this text to my husband while standing in line at Walgreens:

It's hard not to agree with the big pharma/go all natural folks. I'm so reliant on pharmaceuticals. And so many others are. And our phones lol. Do certain kinds of progress actually make life easier or do they just make it harder in different ways?? Or maybe human life is just destined to be full of pain and suffering?

I had been sick for a few days and still wasn’t feeling better by Monday, so I took the day off. I’d gotten to read and lounge with my dogs for four days straight! What could’ve been better than that?? 

And yet there I was, under fluorescent lights, sixth in the “post-pharmacist-lunch-break-line”, trying to figure out if me filling this prescription was going to make me feel better in the short-term… but cost me my soul in the long-term. And whether or not souls even matter anymore? I think they do?

I wasn’t melting down. I wasn’t even especially emotional. But there was a low hum of "blugh" restlessness-at-the-edge-of-irritability, and no clear name for it.

And the more I tried to name it, the more abstract and higher-stakes it got (“Maybe I need to get out of here and live off-grid? Maybe I need to get a PhD at a competitive business school?”).

Sometimes the hardest part of feeling off is not knowing what to call it.

You might experience this too: that weird moment where you try to self-reflect but end up in a kind of emotional buffering zone or an existential spiral.

You say, “I’m just anxious.” Or “I’m overwhelmed.” Or “Maybe I’m depressed?” Or “I’m probably just stressed about end-stage capitalism and politics-turned entertainment.”

Those things might be true.

And they might also be your brain’s version of throwing a quilt over a pile of stuff it doesn’t want to sort through right now.

Sometimes our smartest, most articulate labels can be avoidance. Avoidance isn’t bad, it’s not dishonest— it’s just autopilot. Just conservation or protection.

"I’m anxious" might actually mean "I’m scared to disappoint someone."

"I’m overwhelmed" could be hiding "I’m furious but don’t think it’s helpful."

"I’m depressed" might point to "I’m exhausted from trying to hold everything together alone."

“Or maybe human life is just destined to be full of pain and suffering?” might point to, “I haven’t had structure or human contact beyond my husband for a few days and I’m feeling isolated and bored.”

Our brains aren’t trying to lie to us. 

They’re trying to protect us from the energy and effort that comes with really registering what’s present and potentially doing something about it. 

Sometimes those big, familiar labels can easily be coopted by our brain and become its shorthand way to avoid slowing down enough and fully registering what’s really happening. 

They work like emotional shortcuts—helpful in the short-term, but not always the map you need to actually get somewhere different in the long-term. And, sometimes they’re even unconsciousshields: protecting us until it feels safer to look.

And that’s because really registering what’s present or doing something about it often requires change. And change requires energy. 

Which, let’s be honest, is in short supply when you're already philosophizing in the pharmacy line.

So what do we do when we don’t know what we’re feeling beneath the shortcut or shield?

Instead of overthinking or self-diagnosing, we can try to make noticing a regular practice.

Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is pause long enough to ask:

• What am I feeling in my body right now?

• What do I have the urge to do?

• What am I thinking about myself and others?

As I did pause later in the day, I was able to remember that I often spiral—emotionally and/or existentially—when I don’t have structure, when I’ve been isolated or disconnected from others, and/or when I’m bored.

But before I got there, I had to pause. And that pause didn’t come naturally. It was a neural pathway I’ve built—slowly, with repetition. A pattern I’ve practiced.

If building that kind of pattern sounds useful to you, you might want to try this: 3x3 Check-In

(Even better if you pair it with the Finch app.)